Too much thinking

I feel... I feel strange tonight. I don't really know what I feel. Just pensive, I guess. Although I kind of feel like I'm going to be sick.

I've just been thinking about the future. I hate that it's so uncertain, and yet I really like that it's so uncertain. I think there are so many possibilities that could happen, and lately I've felt a bit like I'm treading water. Maybe just because life has been so much the same for so long. Same job (or variation of it), same school, same trying to graduate, same same. Yet I feel like a hypocrite for saying that because of course things have changed. And I've changed.

Maybe it was going to my cousin's wedding yesterday that did it. So many people my age (I am constantly told through Facebook) are getting married and settling down, and I just don't feel ready for that right now. I of course want it so bad, and want to buy a house and have kids and the picket fence, but right now... it's just not right. And I feel scared and uncertain. And I also feel like I should be feeling like that, that I should be begging someone to slip a ring on my finger... so why don't I?

I was looking up at my cousin yesterday, repeating her vows, I was crying a little, and I thought of how fleeting marriages are these days, how getting married almost means nothing anymore because people say all those vows about forever and then when it gets tough a few years later, they divorce. When I get married, I want it to mean something, I want to be ready, I want it to last. I feel like I'm split in two because one side of me is romantic and thinks getting married will be wonderful, but the other side of me is very much a realist.

Or is it being cynical? I hope not, I pride myself on being an optimist. And I of course wish my cousin all the best and know she will have a long, happy marriage. But. There's just always that 'but' that I think about.

When I was 15, I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't get married until I was 25. Which is now slightly over two years away. My mom got married at 32, had me a year later. But I think that is one reason why my parents are still together. Because they waited, they were older, and they made sure to find someone they were completely compatible with. So I'm okay to wait. I'm okay to see what happens.

Sometimes I really just think that I think too much.

posted by Maresa @ 12:06 AM