People have always told me that I'm brave and that they admire my life decisions, but I don't think it's bravery at all. It's just me being terrified with worry that my life could be going down the wrong path and so I abruptly turn and make another choice. Usually there's nothing concretely wrong that I base that decision on: it's just my defense mechanism to shut down, break it off, and forge a new way.
This is clearly illustrated in the long-term romantic relationships I've had. Nothing was really wrong in either relationship, only that as time went by I became scared. The fear that there were other things or life experiences I could-be, should-be doing grapsed hold of me and wouldn't let go. So I shut down and tried to close my emotions off so it would lessen the hurt, and then went another way. I have been the one to initiate breaking off every single relationship I've had.
I think I'm afraid of committment. But not obviously so. Because I'm good at staying in relationships for years, I'm committed to keeping my house clean and tidy, to eating healthy, to having plans and routines. On the surface, everything is fine. But then there's that part of me that is honestly just scared, and wants to have as many experiences as I can, and wants to some day settle down and think, "Wow, I'm so glad I did all those things and right now I am so happy doing this and will be for the rest of my life."
It's hard. Because running away means burning bridges, saying yes to one thing means saying no to another.
I really need to learn that whatever choice I make is going to be the right choice.
Labels: life
posted by Maresa @ 1:21 AM
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