I don't want to sugar-coat my time so far in Montreal. Because certainly every day hasn't been sunshine and roses. In fact, most of May was a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. I try to stay positive most of the time, but during the last few weeks I felt very lonely, depressed, debilitated. Being alone felt isolating, when usually I'm okay to be by myself. I craved something familiar, some company. I was happy when hanging out with people I knew, but other times I withdrew into myself and felt like nothing was working out. Of course I didn't really tell anyone about what I was going through, I mean, I knew leaving my comfort circle was going to be hard. But last week when I was Skyping with my parents and a good friend, I felt as if I could cry.

It's amazing how much thinking you can do when you're in a new city and have a lot of time to yourself. Thinking and writing. And after much thinking and writing, I realised a lot of things. I realised that I was searching for happiness and acceptance outside myself, from other people. I realised I was clinging to the familiarity of the past and it was preventing me from moving forward. From attaining real happiness. I saw how I kept repeating the same cycles. Over and over again for the past eight years.

And then I realised how I could stop the cycle and make a change. It was all so clear, clearer then ever before, when maybe I wasn't ready or the change wasn't truly initiated by me. I saw that all I had to do was make a choice to let it go. Make the choice to be happy. I realised that life is all about choices (seems so simple, I know). I choose a million things every day, such as to eat healthy over eating Blizzards every day, even though I want to. I choose to go the the gym, how to wear my hair, what time to get up in the morning. I can also choose who I am and how I want to live my life. And I choose to be happy and loving and live in the now, here in this new and vibrant city. I choose to let go and to break old cycles.

Since my revelation, I have never felt more at ease with myself. So calm and genuinely contented with my place in life. I now feel calm and confident being alone. I've let go of the panic. I know that I'm in control of my life and I know that it will be fan-fucking-tastic.

And it's amazing how your own happiness attracts good things and opportunities into your life. I can't believe how much has changed, even in the last week. I'm persuing my love of photography through various photoshoots, I have a sort-of job, I'm meeting new people, I'm taking French classes, I'm regularly going to the gym.

Maybe I should also write a self-help book. I think this entry was pretty close to one. Haha.

Labels: life, thoughts

posted by Maresa @ 10:07 PM