2009...

Reflections on 2009

The year 2009 was a year of growth and learning, pain and heartache, exploring, loneliness, independence, challenges, and finding happiness.

I rang in the the new year of 2009 at my friend Marja's house, with a crowd of her friends who I didn't know, which was perhaps a premonition of the year to come.

January was the second month I'd spent living all by myself in my own apartment, and I was loving living on my own.

I was broken up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, but soon realised he was the one I wanted to be with, and we spent Valentine's Day at a secluded cabin up-island. We became inseparable again, and I was so happy, I felt like we could make it through anything.

I started feeling nagging thoughts about moving away around March. In April I decided I was going to move to Montreal for 4 months over the summer, to try and quiet those nagging feelings. I left town on May 1st and moved into a tiny bachelor apartment sublet in the Plateau area of Montreal.

That first month in Montreal I have never felt so lonely and debilitated and hopeless. I cried a lot and wondered what the hell I was doing there. I had a difficult time getting a job because my French wasn't great, and I only had one friend who I didn't even see that often. I did a lot of thinking during that month, and decided I had to change everything around, make some decisions, and break free of debilitating cycles.

In early June I started dating a guy and we had a fun summer fling, which helped to turn my mood around, and let me see more of the great things Montreal had to offer. I started feeling happier. July carried out similar to June, with beautiful weather and enjoying the city, and friends and my mom visiting from home. I found that being with someone else helped me to forget the heartache I felt about my ex-boyfriend from home. I also took some photography classes at Concordia University. In August I traveled to Jamaica with said fling, and when I got back, I decided to stay in Montreal for a while longer.

I decided to stay in Montreal for a number of reasons. I was upset that life in BC seemed to be so different - friends were scattered, my ex-boyfriend was seeing someone new, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to go back when it seemed like nothing and no one was waiting for me there, and everything had changed. Plus, I had booked 2 wedding photography gigs in September and I was really excited about that. I also finally felt stabilized in Montreal, like I'd gained that independence and confidence I'd wanted.

So, the last few weeks of August were consumed with intense apartment and job hunting. I moved into a new bachelor apartment in September, and finally landed a job a week later. I successfully photographed the 2 weddings and other photography gigs. I traveled to New York City by myself to visit a friend. In October, my fling and I broke up. I befriended a girl at work, and she helped me to keep my sanity and gave me that female friendship I had been really missing. I came back to BC for Thanksgiving on a whirlwind 4-day trip and realised just how much I missed everyone and being back at home.

I celebrated my 24th birthday in November with friends in Montreal. December it started to get cold and I knew I wasn't cut out for Eastern winters! I had some tough days at work and tried to keep my head above water. I came home for Christmas holidays and knew without a doubt that it was time to come home.

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Which brings me full circle to now. I can't believe how much has happened over the past year, how much has changed. And most notably, how much has changed within me. I've learned that I've been looking outside myself for the things that matter. I've been trying to bring the world to me. But the most important things to me are here and already inside me, like my love for my family and friends.

No more running away, no more searching. I've found home. I just had to travel across the country to realise what was right under my nose. I was so scared before: scared of growing up, of settling down, of not being sure. I wasn't sure what I wanted out of life, wasn't sure who I wanted to spend it with.

You can live anywhere in the world, you can have a house anywhere, but home can only be with people you love. And so, I will start 2010 by moving back to BC. My Montreal adventure has reached its end. I feel so confident and excited about my decision to come back; I can't wait to live here again.

Labels: BC, memories, montreal, thoughts

posted by Maresa @ 1:29 AM