I've been having a really "off" day today. I woke up feeling really hungover-like, which was impossible given that I only drank 2 beers last night. So I chalked it up to just being tired, but that fuzzy-in-the-head and groggy feeling lasted way past the espresso I gulped down at work. I just felt grumpy and irritable and tired, and I even had waves of nausea and feeling faint. I didn't want to talk much or be my usual bubbly self, and it didn't let up all day.

I don't know why. It doesn't feel like I'm getting sick or anything. Maybe it's all of the emotions that are churning around in my brain right now combined with all the irritations I'm feeling at work. I am feeling a lot of emotions right now, and I'm feeling pressure from a lot of things and people and I'm feeling pulled this way and that. Decisions and changes are happening. And I'm always so concerned with making the "right" decision, with pleasing everyone.

Which brings up this: on New Years Eve I had one of many amazing talks with Caitlin, and she told me something like, "You know, Maresa, I can't believe you don't blame anything in your life or how you are on your parents." And I remember looking at her and feeling shocked and at a loss for words. I remember thinking of course I don't blame anything on my parents, why would I? Everything in my life and how I am is my responsibility and my doing.

But you know what? Who I am is half nature but also half nurture. I don't know why this never clicked with me before. Not that I'm looking to blame anyone for how I am, but I'm seeking to explain why. And it's because my parents put out the appearance that they're perfect. They have a perfect house, they have a perfect marriage, they make the right decisions, they never argue, they are always happy, they want me to be independent and perfect like them.

And so, here I am, concerned with making the right decisions, making sure I'm being independent, making sure to please them. I'm always cheerful, hardly ever show it when I'm in a bad mood, I make sure I have everything in my life under control. I try to make myself perfect too.

I want to stop feeling like I have to be in control of everything. I want to stop feeling like I have to make the "right" decisions. I want to do what I think will make me happy, and it may not be the best or smartest choice, and it may be impulsive and I may regret it later, but I can't keep trying to be perfect. I need to have days where I'm in a bad mood, and I need to feel like I can vent my bad mood feelings to people. I can't keep feeling like I need to please everyone.

I don't want to just feel things on the surface. I want to dive in. I want to feel the good and the bad. I want to get rid of the control. I want to be closer with my friends. I want to make irrational choices. I want to not be afraid of conflict. I want to find someone to love so much and feel like I can share all of this with them.

I just want to do whatever the fuck I want to do.



(Wow. Writing makes me feel a lot better.)

Labels: thoughts

posted by Maresa @ 8:58 PM