endings and new beginnings

In 2 weeks I’m leaving Montreal. I had originally intended that my next move would be going back home to BC and then settling down in Vancouver after a month or two. But I’m not sure I’m quite ready to do that. I don’t know if I’m ready for that familiarity, for my crazy journey to end. I still feel like I have things left to discover, excitement to be had, new experiences in a new city waiting for me.

I know I can still have crazy adventures in BC, and that I’ll have to start my life over there again as well, but I have a mental block that worries me that everything might be too similar to before, that I’ll feel this driving need to move away again. It seems like once I go back to BC, the rest of my life is starting, and it’s time to settle down and get serious about my life and what I want to be doing. And I’m not ready to settle down just yet.

I don’t know, it’s hard to describe, but ever since I decided on the idea of moving back to BC at the end of February, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious about going back. Not unhappy in the fact that I don’t ever want to live there again, or see my family or friends (because I do, so, so much) - but dread in the way that I’m not quite ready to be there just yet. I’ve been talking to a lot of people over here about it, people that know me well, and people who don’t know me that well, and I know that I will end up there, just not yet.

So instead of flying back home at the end of February, I’ve decided to go live in Toronto for a little while. Maybe I just want to experience living in all 3 of Canada’s big cities! But I’ve always felt pulled to Toronto for a variety of reasons - the buzz of a big city, the cute neighbourhoods, the shopping, the opportunities, the someone I can’t seem to forget who lives there. I think I owe it to myself to at least try living there. Or at the very least take a little vacation breather there.

I spent last weekend in Toronto, staying in a hostel while I went to view a number of different apartments to find a good living situation. I found a cute apartment in Little Italy, where I’ll be temporarily subletting the bedroom of a girl while she goes traveling, and living with her roommate, who is also a 24-year old young professional, like me. I think living alone was a mistake I made when I moved to Montreal and hardly knew anyone. Living with a roommate is better because you automatically get to know someone, (hopefully) make a friend, and are more easily introduced to other people. The apartment itself is in a super cute area, with lots of shops and little cafes, and the street car runs right outside the apartment 24-hours.

Anyway, I have no expectations about what will happen in Toronto. I had a lot of expectations about Montreal and that resulted in me being rather unhappy the first month or two I was here. This time, I’m seeing this as just an adventure for fun - because why not? Life is about living, and that means I’m going to jump on this whim and not look ahead and not look back, just be, and just enjoy.

So, there it is. I’m feeling really happy and good about this next adventure. Although, I do feel a lot of craziness is running through my veins too!! I can’t really believe this is happening - how did I get this adventuresome and brave all of a sudden? I thought I was that shy girl who never wanted to take risks? I’m beginning to believe that she’s gone and that the real me is a go-getter and a risk-taker. It’s weird.

Labels: life, thoughts

posted by Maresa @ 9:30 PM