endings and new beginnings
In 2 weeks I’m leaving Montreal. I had originally intended that my next move would be going back home to BC and then settling down in Vancouver after a month or two. But I’m not sure I’m quite ready to do that. I don’t know if I’m ready for that familiarity, for my crazy journey to end. I still feel like I have things left to discover, excitement to be had, new experiences in a new city waiting for me.
I know I can still have crazy adventures in BC, and that I’ll have to start my life over there again as well, but I have a mental block that worries me that everything might be
too similar to before, that I’ll feel this driving need to move away again. It seems like once I go back to BC, the rest of my life is starting, and it’s time to settle down and get serious about my life and what I want to be doing. And I’m not ready to settle down just yet.
I don’t know, it’s hard to describe, but ever since I decided on the idea of moving back to BC at the end of February, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious about going back. Not unhappy in the fact that I don’t ever want to live there again, or see my family or friends (because I do, so, so much) - but dread in the way that I’m not quite ready to be there just yet. I’ve been talking to a lot of people over here about it, people that know me well, and people who don’t know me that well, and I know that I will end up there,
just not yet.
So instead of flying back home at the end of February, I’ve decided to go live in Toronto for a little while. Maybe I just want to experience living in all 3 of Canada’s big cities! But I’ve always felt pulled to Toronto for a variety of reasons - the buzz of a big city, the cute neighbourhoods, the shopping, the opportunities, the someone I can’t seem to forget who lives there. I think I owe it to myself to at least try living there. Or at the very least take a little vacation breather there.
I spent last weekend in Toronto, staying in a hostel while I went to view a number of different apartments to find a good living situation. I found a cute apartment in Little Italy, where I’ll be temporarily subletting the bedroom of a girl while she goes traveling, and living with her roommate, who is also a 24-year old young professional, like me. I think living alone was a mistake I made when I moved to Montreal and hardly knew anyone. Living with a roommate is better because you automatically get to know someone, (hopefully) make a friend, and are more easily introduced to other people. The apartment itself is in a super cute area, with lots of shops and little cafes, and the street car runs right outside the apartment 24-hours.
Anyway, I have no expectations about what will happen in Toronto. I had a lot of expectations about Montreal and that resulted in me being rather unhappy the first month or two I was here. This time, I’m seeing this as just an adventure for fun - because
why not? Life is about living, and that means I’m going to jump on this whim and not look ahead and not look back, just be, and just enjoy.
So, there it is. I’m feeling really happy and good about this next adventure. Although, I do feel a lot of craziness is running through my veins too!! I can’t really believe this is happening - how did I get this adventuresome and brave all of a sudden? I thought I was that shy girl who never wanted to take risks? I’m beginning to believe that she’s gone and that the real me is a go-getter and a risk-taker. It’s weird.
Labels: life, thoughts
You know what I've just realised? I'm pretty happy right now. It actually feels weird to be saying that, because I've been so unhappy and emotionally taxed for so long, but now I feel like everything has fallen into place and I just feel so calm and great! I am so glad for how everything has turned out. I am so glad to let go and just live in the here and now.
I feel like I have a life here in Montreal now, and you know what, I feel damn proud of myself for that. I have some amazing Montreal friends - I've slid right into place among a great circle of friends, I have an amazing best friend in Montreal who I've only known for 4 months and yet it feels like I've known her for years, I know this city and I love this city (although these winters I could sure do without!)
Last night about 10 of us went bowling at this awesome club, where there were dim lights and pumpin club music and velvet covered lounge chairs... best thing ever! We played 3 games, and the more beer I drank, and the more I danced around, the better I played apparently, because my last game was my best!!
Other random tidbits: NYC trip is booked for the first weekend in February!!!, got some free shoes from a work friend yesterday - they're pointy-toe ankle boots and freaking cute, seeing "Brothers" this afternoon and hope I don't cry my eyes out, aaaaand I love lazing around in bed on the weekend. Okay, I think I say that every weekend!!
Labels: friends, life, montreal
I'm back in snowy, snowy Montreal! My flight arrived this morning at 8am, and after two relatively sleep-deprived nights, I was pretty dead tired. But, I'm feeling alive now, and had a great evening catching up with Lyndsey, eating soup and homemade cookies and mulled wine and planning out our Montreal adventures and pending NYC trip!
And so, it's 2010. I had fun ringing in the new year with friends at a party in Vancouver, although the most fun I had that night was back at the apartment talking until the wee hours of the morning. I have the best friends. I feel like that night was a pivotal night in a lot of ways.
I'm feeling refreshed and happy about 2010, I think it's going to be a great year! I feel strangely calm about life at the moment, and very good about letting go of 2009.
Cheers to 2010!! :)
Labels: life
Changes and Decisions
So I got a job! A real job. I'll be doing Admin and Reception for a TV production company. The position is full time and I start tomorrow! For more details, email me, because I won't write anything else work-related on my blog.
Aside from happiness about finally landing a job, my current thoughts are these: since everything at home in BC has changed since I left, why do I need to go run back there? My family is still there, and of course I miss and love them, but I will come home for Thanksgiving (1 month away!) to visit. Other than my family, my friends are either living in different cities or will be off traveling, I'm finished school, I don't have a job waiting for me (although I could if I wanted), I don't have any lovers anxious for me to return... So since I have a great apartment and a great job opportunity, I guess I'll just hang out and kick it in Montreal for a while longer.
On my last day of freedom before I become a 9-5er - pardon me, a 9-6er - I decided to take the train out to a suburb called Vaudreuil-Dorion, which is where the wedding I'm shooting on Friday is going to be taking place - at La Maison Trestler. It's a gorgeous old house built in the late 1700s and is situated right on the water, which I think is called Lac Saint-Louis at that point, which confuses me greatly because isn't all the water just the St-Lawrence River?? Hum. Anyway, Maison Trestler has gorgeous expansive lawns and trees and overhanging Willows, and I think the wedding will be stunning. It's creeping up every so slowly... but I'm feeling prepared. I have on order 2 new memory cards, 1 new battery pack, and I'll be renting a $2000 lens for the occasion, so I'm feeling fairly well equipped!
And that, poulettes, is all for this evening. Bonne nuit :)
Labels: life, photography, thoughts
I don't want to sugar-coat my time so far in Montreal. Because certainly every day hasn't been sunshine and roses. In fact, most of May was a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. I try to stay positive most of the time, but during the last few weeks I felt very lonely, depressed, debilitated. Being alone felt isolating, when usually I'm okay to be by myself. I craved something familiar, some company. I was happy when hanging out with people I knew, but other times I withdrew into myself and felt like nothing was working out. Of course I didn't really tell anyone about what I was going through, I mean, I knew leaving my comfort circle was going to be hard. But last week when I was Skyping with my parents and a good friend, I felt as if I could cry.
It's amazing how much thinking you can do when you're in a new city and have a lot of time to yourself. Thinking and writing. And after much thinking and writing, I realised a lot of things. I realised that I was searching for happiness and acceptance outside myself, from other people. I realised I was clinging to the familiarity of the past and it was preventing me from moving forward. From attaining real happiness. I saw how I kept repeating the same cycles. Over and over again for the past eight years.
And then I realised how I could stop the cycle and make a change. It was all so clear, clearer then ever before, when maybe I wasn't ready or the change wasn't truly initiated by me. I saw that all I had to do was make a choice to let it go. Make the choice to be happy. I realised that life is all about choices (seems so simple, I know). I choose a million things every day, such as to eat healthy over eating Blizzards every day, even though I want to. I choose to go the the gym, how to wear my hair, what time to get up in the morning. I can also choose who I am and how I want to live my life. And I choose to be happy and loving and live in the now, here in this new and vibrant city. I choose to let go and to break old cycles.
Since my revelation, I have never felt more at ease with myself. So calm and genuinely contented with my place in life. I now feel calm and confident being alone. I've let go of the panic. I know that I'm in control of my life and I know that it will be fan-fucking-tastic.
And it's amazing how your own happiness attracts good things and opportunities into your life. I can't believe how much has changed, even in the last week. I'm persuing my love of photography through various photoshoots, I have a sort-of job, I'm meeting new people, I'm taking French classes, I'm regularly going to the gym.
Maybe I should also write a self-help book. I think this entry was pretty close to one. Haha.
Labels: life, thoughts
Observations about life in Montreal so far:
- Everyone is very impatient to cross the street. I have never seen so much jay-walking and disregard for cars in my life (except in New York City). Also, people will stand way off the curb before they cross the street - just close enough so that the cars will nearly drive over your toes.
- There's barely any pedestrian crossing signals (the walking man and the hand), but that's okay, because no one would even pay attention anyway.
- While we're on the subject of driving, barely any lane lines exist on the road. If the line is worn off, it's okay, I'll just make my own lane. Or wait, this lane is big enough for two cars? Cool, I'll drive in it too!
- It's no use standing politely and waiting to be asked "Can I help you?" No, you must interrupt in order to get attention.
- I have seen so many stereotypes walking around this city: men wearing berets, little old ladies in head scarves carrying armloads of flowers, women with baguettes sticking out of their purses, don't get me started on all the Jewish men...
- There are no refried beans to be found anywhere in this city.
- Alcohol can be bought pretty much anywhere: grocery stores, depanneurs... Wine is cheap.
Ah this city is a crazy place to live. But lots of fun. And have I mentioned that I've almost been here an entire month already? Wow.
Labels: life, montreal
My worst nightmare is to be one of those couples who sits in a restaurant and each has a book to read, or a crossword puzzle, and doesn't talk one bit except to say "So what do you think is the answer for 5 Across?" Even when I'm 50 and 60 and 70 and 80, I want to have things to say to each other even if it's, "So honey, how was your lawn bowling game today?" Yes.
Last week I saw an independent theater production about the QLC - the Quarter Life Crisis, and I fully believe that it exists and is largely centered on The Future. I also fully believe that I'm in my own QLC though I've recently decided to stop thinking about The Future, and stop planning for it, and just be happy in the now. I'm making choices that will make me happy now, and everything else will just fall into place. I used to think by 25 that my life would be together: I'd be in a committed relationship, I'd own my own house (not a chance!), I'd have my career - I'd basically have everything including a white picket fence. Now, I've realised that I can't put a time frame on when I want to buy a house, or get married, or have my career. These things will happen all in their own time. Right now, I just want to be happy and do what I want to do.
Labels: life
I'm feeling weird tonight. I'm feeling debilitated by thoughts of the future, debilitated because I constantly want to do what is
right, make the
right choices, do the right thing. I am so concerend about having regrets, and feeling like "I should have done that," and so I keep trying to make choices that will limit or extinguish those feelings, but in the end all I think I'm doing is running in circles. And I end up just running away.
People have always told me that I'm brave and that they admire my life decisions, but I don't think it's bravery at all. It's just me being terrified with worry that my life could be going down the wrong path and so I abruptly turn and make another choice. Usually there's nothing concretely wrong that I base that decision on: it's just my defense mechanism to shut down, break it off, and forge a new way.
This is clearly illustrated in the long-term romantic relationships I've had. Nothing was really wrong in either relationship, only that as time went by I became scared. The fear that there were other things or life experiences I could-be, should-be doing grapsed hold of me and wouldn't let go. So I shut down and tried to close my emotions off so it would lessen the hurt, and then went another way. I have been the one to initiate breaking off every single relationship I've had.
I think I'm afraid of committment. But not obviously so. Because I'm good at staying in relationships for years, I'm committed to keeping my house clean and tidy, to eating healthy, to having plans and routines. On the surface, everything is fine. But then there's that part of me that is honestly just
scared, and wants to have as many experiences as I can, and wants to some day settle down and think, "Wow, I'm so glad I did all those things and right now I am so happy doing this and will be for the rest of my life."
It's hard. Because running away means burning bridges, saying yes to one thing means saying no to another.
I really need to learn that whatever choice I make is going to be the right choice.
Labels: life
2009
Already 2009 feels different to me. Today has a feeling of opportunities, of fresh beginnings. As I was driving home from last night's party this morning, I felt contemplative and optimistic (as well as feeling so hung over). I think 2009 is going to be a year of new people and new places.
And last night I started 2009 off exactly like that. Marja (from work, who is now on mat leave) invited me to a party at her house, and I knew precisely 3 people there: the hosts and a guy I briefly dated who never called me back. Hah, potentially awkward situation, but whatevs. So I got to know probably 20 new people already at the very bang start of 2009! Lots of drinking and fun with plungers and toilet paper rolls took place... haha, awesome. I got pretttty hammered. Crashed at Mar's place for the night, woke up, felt shitty, drove home, got the ultimate hangover cure (aka Micky Ds), crashed for another 2 hours. Today is a write off and I don't care!
Labels: life, parties
Reflecting on 2008
2008 was a pretty good year. Things of note:
- I rang in 2008 with a party at my and Geoff's apartment at the time with all my favourite people.
- I traveled a little, not much as previous years. The places I visited: Las Vegas, Seattle (x3), Toronto, and various camping trips.
- I took school throughout the year, even doing 2 summer classes and finally graduated in December.
- I continued being in the salsa performance group and in the spring, we performed our dance in front of hundreds of people.
- I celebrated 2 years with Geoff in May but in October we parted ways.
- I lived in 3 different apartments, ending with living on my own for the first time.
- I learned a lot about myself, I gained confidence and independence, I lost someone I love, I tried new things, and I had regrets.
I'm ready to put 2008 behind me. I have a lot of hopes for 2009 - I think it's going to be a monumental year. Happy New Years everyone. :)
Labels: life, memories
Just live your life, no telling where it'll take you
My abs hurt. I don't think they've ever really been sore before, so this is a weird feeling. They got a big workout at the total body conditioning class I went to last night... and I'm feeling a bit sore all over. But it's great. Love it.
Happy Birthday to me!! Well, on Thursday. I am now the ripe old age of 23, and another year wiser, and embarking on another year of new possibilities. I'm excited to see what will happen :) I'm also really excited because tonight I'm going out to celebrate with the girls! We're going to dress up fancy and then go have dinner and drinks and get plastered.
Other exciting news!! I got an apartment!! My own 1 br, all to myself, and I move in Dec 1. Yayayay! It's super cute, about a 20-30 min walk from downtown, and only a 5 min drive from my work. It's got refinished hardwood floors and a balcony, and it's a corner suite... the only hilarious part about it is the kitchen which is tiny tiny and it's got a beautiful retro olive green fridge. Woot. I think I can handle it. I'll turn the kitchen into retro chic!! :)
My current motto for life: Just live it. Don't hesitate. Experience it. And that's what I've been doing: living and learning. I feel alive.
Labels: apartment, birthdays, life
Hello Blogger
And hello extremely girlie layout. Come on, I know everyone harbours a secret love for pink. And probably a not so secret love for lingerie.
I've decided to move over here from Wordpress because Blogger is so much more customizable. I am actually able to edit my HTML and CSS code, and those are two things which I'm into learning more of at the moment. Especially CSS, which I currently know very little of. But I'm very excited to try more because of all the amazing things you can do with it! Now all I need are a couple uninteruppted afternoons to work on it...
Tonight I hosted my first dinner party. Okay, it wasn't that much of a soiree - we just had Geoff's mom and partner over for dinner - but it was exciting to ME because it was the first time I had actually cooked a meal for anyone with a kitchen table to sit at! And we had wine to drink in my new wine glasses, and it all felt so nice. I bbq'd some turkey burgers and jazzed them up with chipotle goat cheese, tomatoes and avocado pieces as well as a tasty salad. Yum.
Now I can safely say that I have had 2 glasses of wine to drink and my head is feeling a bit fuzzy and I'm suddenly feeling like it's time to pass out in bed (it is only 10:18PM currently so I think I'll tough it out a bit longer). It's funny how wine does that - I guess it's the depressant coming out - but it just seems like wine in particular to any other alcohol makes me feel fuzzy and content and sleepy.
I think I'm actually going to go have a hot shower. I really enjoy steaming hot showers. I don't know if that is weird, but I don't think that other people like showers as hot as I do. I like to gradually turn up the hot until the water feels almost cool because it's so hot. Does that make sense? No past/present boyfriends have ever liked to shower with me because I don't like regular warm showers. One even remarked once that my skin was all red after I got out of the shower because it was so hot. (Maybe I sadistically like 2nd degree burns? Haha.)
Now I just hope I won't fall asleep in the shower...
Labels: food, life, website
