2009...
Reflections on 2009The year 2009 was a year of growth and learning, pain and heartache, exploring, loneliness, independence, challenges, and finding happiness.
I rang in the the new year of 2009 at my friend Marja's house, with a crowd of her friends who I didn't know, which was perhaps a premonition of the year to come.
January was the second month I'd spent living all by myself in my own apartment, and I was loving living on my own.
I was broken up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, but soon realised he was the one I wanted to be with, and we spent Valentine's Day at a secluded cabin up-island. We became inseparable again, and I was so happy, I felt like we could make it through anything.
I started feeling nagging thoughts about moving away around March. In April I decided I was going to move to Montreal for 4 months over the summer, to try and quiet those nagging feelings. I left town on May 1st and moved into a tiny bachelor apartment sublet in the Plateau area of Montreal.
That first month in Montreal I have never felt so lonely and debilitated and hopeless. I cried a lot and wondered what the hell I was doing there. I had a difficult time getting a job because my French wasn't great, and I only had one friend who I didn't even see that often. I did a lot of thinking during that month, and decided I had to change everything around, make some decisions, and break free of debilitating cycles.
In early June I started dating a guy and we had a fun summer fling, which helped to turn my mood around, and let me see more of the great things Montreal had to offer. I started feeling happier. July carried out similar to June, with beautiful weather and enjoying the city, and friends and my mom visiting from home. I found that being with someone else helped me to forget the heartache I felt about my ex-boyfriend from home. I also took some photography classes at Concordia University. In August I traveled to Jamaica with said fling, and when I got back, I decided to stay in Montreal for a while longer.
I decided to stay in Montreal for a number of reasons. I was upset that life in BC seemed to be so different - friends were scattered, my ex-boyfriend was seeing someone new, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to go back when it seemed like nothing and no one was waiting for me there, and everything had changed. Plus, I had booked 2 wedding photography gigs in September and I was really excited about that. I also finally felt stabilized in Montreal, like I'd gained that independence and confidence I'd wanted.
So, the last few weeks of August were consumed with intense apartment and job hunting. I moved into a new bachelor apartment in September, and finally landed a job a week later. I successfully photographed the 2 weddings and other photography gigs. I traveled to New York City by myself to visit a friend. In October, my fling and I broke up. I befriended a girl at work, and she helped me to keep my sanity and gave me that female friendship I had been really missing. I came back to BC for Thanksgiving on a whirlwind 4-day trip and realised just how much I missed everyone and being back at home.
I celebrated my 24th birthday in November with friends in Montreal. December it started to get cold and I knew I wasn't cut out for Eastern winters! I had some tough days at work and tried to keep my head above water. I came home for Christmas holidays and knew without a doubt that it was time to come home.
---
Which brings me full circle to now. I can't believe how much has happened over the past year, how much has changed. And most notably, how much has changed within me. I've learned that I've been looking outside myself for the things that matter. I've been trying to bring the world to me. But the most important things to me are here and already inside me, like my love for my family and friends.
No more running away, no more searching. I've found home. I just had to travel across the country to realise what was right under my nose. I was so scared before: scared of growing up, of settling down, of not being sure. I wasn't sure what I wanted out of life, wasn't sure who I wanted to spend it with.
You can live anywhere in the world, you can have a house anywhere, but home can only be with people you love. And so, I will start 2010 by moving back to BC. My Montreal adventure has reached its end. I feel so confident and excited about my decision to come back; I can't wait to live here again.
Labels: BC, memories, montreal, thoughts
BC, I miss you.
I pretty much grew up on this beach.
My amazing family taken in my parents' backyard! My bedroom had the exact same view. So beautiful.
Watching amazing sunsets on the top of a mountain.
This is me showing my love for BC!
Seriously. I miss it. This whole past week I've been wanting to smell the refreshing salty sea air, hear the waves crashing on the beach, swim in the numerous lakes, walk through the forest, walk through my favourite long-grass field filled with so many fruit trees that are probably almost bursting with apples by now, and I want to hug every single person that means something to me. It's really amazing how you don't realise what a beautiful place you live in until it's gone. Well, that applies to everything, really.
You know what else I miss? My own furniture. My own bed. My beautiful leather couches, my real computer, my art, my framed photographs, my cute lamps... having my own stuff. My own apartment. And an oven! I have no real oven here, and have not been able to make any cookies, muffins, pies... I always make apple blackberry pies and crisps in summer, and I seriously miss that.
Not to say that I don't love Montreal. Because of course I love it here, but it's a different love. I love the cute cafes filled with laughing French people that spill onto the sidewalks, sipping drinks on rooftop terrasses, the old walk-up brick apartments with their grand spiraling outdoor staircases, the passion, the zest for life that is here.
I have been here now for 3 months. It seems like so long, and yet it doesn't seem like long at all. I'm so glad that I came - the amount of things I've learned about myself, the new experiences I've had, the tough times, the fun times, it's all been worth it.
I've realised though, that Montreal is not a place I could make a life. English people will always be at a disadvantage here. No matter how hard you try, how much effort you expend, you will always be one-upped by a bilingual or French-speaking person. My French will never be as good as theirs. I can't even count how many jobs I've applied for here - probably around 15 or 20. I've had one interview. I have no hard feelings, though, I understand that the French culture is something special and they want to preserve it.
Montreal will always have a place in my heart, but BC is my first love.
Labels: memories, montreal, thoughts
Reflecting on 2008
2008 was a pretty good year. Things of note:
- I rang in 2008 with a party at my and Geoff's apartment at the time with all my favourite people.
- I traveled a little, not much as previous years. The places I visited: Las Vegas, Seattle (x3), Toronto, and various camping trips.
- I took school throughout the year, even doing 2 summer classes and finally graduated in December.
- I continued being in the salsa performance group and in the spring, we performed our dance in front of hundreds of people.
- I celebrated 2 years with Geoff in May but in October we parted ways.
- I lived in 3 different apartments, ending with living on my own for the first time.
- I learned a lot about myself, I gained confidence and independence, I lost someone I love, I tried new things, and I had regrets.
I'm ready to put 2008 behind me. I have a lot of hopes for 2009 - I think it's going to be a monumental year. Happy New Years everyone. :)
Labels: life, memories
"Her hand fondled the growing bulge in his pants"
So one night this week I stayed over at my parents' house, and while I was supposed to be studying in my old bedroom (which is more or less still the same as when I lived there, although it looks a lot more guest-room-ish) I went looking through my closet and happened upon some of my old writing. I used to write stories a lot as a kid (I have a huge binder full of them), but this was writing from when I was probably 15 or 16.
The story on the top of the pile was my attempt at some erotic fiction, which I don't remember writing at all, and which was entirely hilarious to read! I must have felt such a sexual prowess when I wrote it (though I had not actually
had sex yet), because there is a lot of detail about nipples and bulges and heavy breathing. I wish I had the balls to scan it and post it for the world to see, but it's a little embarrassing! Although, I'm also proud of my little teenage self - way to express your sexuality, little Maresa! Hehe.
The other writings I found were probably more embarrassing though, because they were all angsty and typically teenageer-ish. And this is why I didn't crack the old journals that I found lying next to my writing book - I can only handle so much in one day!!
Labels: memories
